Hello friends! Light a candle, grab a blanket, set the ambiance and get ready for a cozy girl chat. I have a lot on my brain lately, and I figured a chat would be in order. Wow, I have many thoughts so please stick with me as I ramble blog style.
Lately I’ve been thinking about tension and embodiment. I grew up in a family that’s not been the best about emotional health and understanding its connection to your body. I’ve slowly been realizing that I’ve lived in a state of defensiveness and numbness because I needed a hard exterior to protect me from the unforgiving environment that my family can be.
As these past few months have gone, I’ve had more space to feel the tension in my body and take time to address it. We all have these spaces of tension. It’s our hips or our shoulders or our jaws. Emotional health is part of the journey I want to take towards integration—living a life fully aligned to my core values, not just what I say I believe.
002. Letting go
I cyclically go through rhythms of letting people go. After an exchange with a friend who I once held dear, I came to a realization. You can only love someone so long before them not loving you back changes things. Our relationship became so one-sided. And some relationships in my life are like that, and I’m okay with it. What I’m not okay with is that one-sidedness lasting forever. It takes two to tango. And I’m so darn tired of wanting to tango with people who don’t want to tango with me. Life is too short to extend yourself for people who cannot give you what you need. There’s absolutely exceptions to this rule: some people are sick and have conditions where they can’t be the most available person. There’s grace for that. But I can’t keep giving myself away for someone who has all the capability but none of the desire.
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003. Spiritual pathways
I’ve felt kind of distant from God. In fact, I’ve started to admit to myself that feeling close to God is abnormal for me. Which is hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time. Through Gary Thomas, I looked into the spiritual pathways, and I am shocked to find that my highest pathway is ascetic. It’s where you love God most through silence and solitude. This fascinates me because I spend a lot of time in college with noise and people. And I mostly liked college. But I did feel distant from God through most of it. So now I’ve started to practice more silence. Taking walks in silence. Silence before my Bible reading. Silence when working out. Getting rid of all excess noise.
You want to know what made my heart leap? When I read that ascetics feel closest to God when alone. That shocked me. I don’t know if I’ve read a truer statement on my spirituality. It’s not that God isn’t there when there are other people. It’s that I’m so much better at finding Him when I’m alone. As an ascetic person, I want to include more solid rhythms in my life. Removing distractions–too many TV shows, too many projects, too many relationships. Do yourself a favor: take a test and find out your spiritual pathway.
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004. Spotify Wrapped
I shared my Wrapped on Twitter. I didn’t share it on Instagram because honestly, I’ve come to really hate Instagram lately. My account went through some weird technical stuff after the IG meltdown and it has put a really bad taste in my mouth. I was surprised by my top song – Miracle of the Mind. I mentioned it on the blog awhile back, but the way I listened to Rachel Morley this year, I thought she would be my number 1. I love her worship songs!!! Two of her songs were in my top 5.
The real shocker were the other two songs in my top 5: Strong by Oaks Worship and Nothing Without You by United Pursuit. Strong was a song I discovered sometime early February or March, and it’s about trusting God with your future. And Nothing Without You is about a heart of total consecration to the Lord. Both songs I desperately need in this current season.
I will keep listening to Ms. Rachel Morley, but I can always use more recommendations. It amazes me year after year how much more worship I listen to.
005. Documenting life
I haven’t been documenting life as much lately. I miss it. Posting on IG the Sunday Summary’s, writing in my weekly journal (I still write in my daily one), taking pictures. I just feel drained in a lot of ways. I’m hoping to give you all a life update soon, but life has taken so much out of me that I just feel tired. It’s not physically tired. It’s not even mental exhaustion. It’s the strain when you’re tired of seeing every door close and you’re nowhere near a finish line. The season of celebrating everyone else’s life but your own. The wondering of when your luck will change.
I’m becoming disillusioned. So I started reading Resilient by John Eldredge. (It’s a bad joke. The book is good, though.) I guess I’m trying to say that I stopped documenting life because I lost hope of it getting better. Paramore says “22 is like the worst idea that I’ve ever had.” And that feels true in a painful sort of way.
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006. Yellow lights
Annie F. Downs, a role model of mine, podcaster and author extraordinaire, recently talked about the idea of yellow lights. Signs that you should stop and take inventory before things get worse. What are those signs for you?
My yellow lights are when my room is super messy. Binging too much Netflix (although come 2022 I plan on restarting HIMYM). Sleeping in too late. Not reading anything. These signs clue me in to the fact that I’m not taking care of myself as I should. And it might mean that I’m distracting myself as well. Things to take note of.
Well, friends, thanks for being with me for this cozy girl chat. May you stay warm and remember how beloved you really are,