Hey friends, I wrote this a little bit ago, but I thought I’d put it out in the world. Enjoy.
I feel being on the New York subway leads to some profound thinking. Because at the very least, it’s too loud for headphones. And what better way to spend your time as you sit in a steel machine catapulting you to different boroughs daily.
So I’ve been thinking. About God. It sounds kind of crazy. I mean, in this day and age, most people don’t believe in God anymore. The only way we stumble upon him is through “Oh my God” or “I swear to God!” In our crazed moments, he is who we reach for.
Not consciously, though. But as I do, I think about him. I wonder what he’s doing. Sometimes I ask, how he’s doing, you know. It’s like you would a person you pass on the street. “How are you?” And, you pass, never stopping to hear the answer.
I’m thinking about God because I’m thinking of seasons. Particularly, the one I’m in. Every part of life loses its luster. What was once so exciting has become routine. I go to work. I come home. I eat. I sleep. Clearly, I need some adventure in my life, but this is my day to day.
In this season, I’m a little bored, little afraid, just kinda waiting to see what’s going to happen. I am expecting but in a doubtful way. I think doubt is normal. We should all kind of be skeptical of the things we’re hopeful for. After all, life has a way of throwing major curveballs at you, just when you think you’ve mastered it.
Back to God. So I’m in this season and I am waiting. For prayers to be answered. For the next one to come. And it’s hard. So I’m frustrated at God.
I want to be the type of person that finds bliss in the simple things. Taking a walk. Drinking some tea. Reading a really long dramatic YA book by Leigh Bardugo. (That’s wasn’t very subtle, was it?) I want to find happiness here. I want to find peace here. But my underlying usual emotion is just frustration.
And part of me is like, you’ve got to feel your emotions and the other part of me is like you can’t feel this way forever. It’s a mess. Life’s a mess. Somehow, I’m supposed to carry on.
This summer has been good in some ways, but bad in others. And in my reflection, I’ve felt a great deal of disappointment. Sometimes, life kicks us when we’re down. This feels weightier. Like I’m getting shot but I haven’t died yet. Maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but I can’t help how I feel.
I’ve been taking a lot of walks lately, trying to find the quiet spaces of life among the Virginia greenery. It’s pretty here, and I’ve often thought about how the world around you could be absolutely perfect, but inside everything’s a mess. And that feels right to say.
On a college campus with manicured lawns and sprawling mountains, the weight of stress and worry and disappointment causes me to forget where I am. Perhaps it’s ironic that this is where the fear and the weight of everything comes in – in one of the most beautiful places on Earth.
Perhaps it’s a reminder that not everything is quite perfect. That though I believe in God, my theology causes me to think He’s far away, or that He’s only a figment of my imagination.
Though this season has been hard, it has made me want to truly figure out what I believe about my God and why I do. I don’t have an answer for all the disappointments and heartbreak that has come my way. I cannot tell you why God is still good to me – even when I don’t believe it. In the midst of my greatest ache when I most desire the answers, I still run to my Father and I am greeted with silence. I have no explanation.
I do not believe in blind faith. That’s not what I have at all. I know the questions I have for God. I have cried out to Him – pleading for Him to speak to me, to tell me what I need to know to get through. In every believer’s life, there is doubt. Whether it sits quietly stirring only occasionally or whether it’s a daily struggle to fix your eyes on Jesus, doubt lives.
Doubt isn’t a sin. It’s a tool for a stronger faith. But often a painful one. The thing about wrestling with God is knowing that you cannot win. Like Jacob, I will not win the fight but I will not give up the struggle until I am blessed. Maybe it’ll be someday soon. Or when I enter the gates of heaven. I have seen too much to not believe in God, but I have known too much to not question His character.
Sorry for this weirdly deep, but all of the place post, folks. Follow me on Instagram @studyinglifewithgigi.