I have no idea what you have in store for me. I know that I’m going to Indiana the first weekend of school, but other than that, there’s a blank hole. And where’s uncertainty, in me, there is fear. So I’m trying to be excited by doing all the “New Year, New Me” things. I’ve made a list of resolutions nice and simple. I’ve gotten hyped up by Spotify playlists and all the videos on the New Year. I’m ready to go.
But what can I say? This year is the year I will turn 20. I’m leaving my teenage years behind – setting a flower on the grave of the child I used to be (thanks, the Maine). It’s scary. I’m not sure who I want to be. Do I want to travel the world? Do I want to graduate and come back home? Do I want to pick a spot on the map of the U.S. and start all over again? 2020 hasn’t given me a lot of clues yet.
In April, I’ll have to decide on a major. I’ll pick a path for life. And yes, I know, many people have jobs that don’t relate to their majors. It’s just that this seems like such a big decision. A decision I get to make – like where to live or who to marry. It’s one of those defining decisions that have consequences. I’m freaking out because who knows if my decision matters – if it does, I feel so much pressure to make the right one, and if it doesn’t, I’ll wonder if fate has something better than I could have imagined. And what fate has in store, I don’t know.
I just don’t have a lot of answers. Which isn’t the best place to be. I’m glad I haven’t declared before. It just seems like whatever path I’m walking on, I’m eventually going to have to pick a direction, I just hope that it’s the best one I can.
I’m hoping you’ll bring me deeper friendships, 2020. I’m excited for the laughter and adventure wrapped up in you that I’ll get to experience. Let’s hope I can cherish each moment with friends deeply. I can see very clearly the heartache that is present in you. So many of my good friends are fourth years – who are ready to graduate, who, come spring, will stare down the future straight in the horizon and walk toward it.
I want to be brave. I want to be brave enough to support them. I want to be brave enough to let them go and to allow them to have their truest dreams. It may sound cheesy but I wish the best for them. I truly do. Even if it hurts knowing I’ll have to let them go.
2020, I’m hoping to find surprise in you.
Not the surprise where you find everyone was talking about your back all along, but the surprise where you walk into a room and feel the weight of love wash over you as look around. I don’t know what the surprise will look like but I’m ready for it.
The bad parts. I know they’ll come. When I’m stressed about exams. When I haven’t had a good seven hours of sleep. When I am too busy to enjoy the company of friends. When I feel the pressure of trying to accomplish everything under the sun. I hope something in me finds enough strength to hold on, in spite of all the fear, worry, or stress that will come my way.
“May you always laughter for a smile becomes you so.
May good fortune find your doorway.
May the bluebird sing your song.
May no trouble travel your way.
May no worry stay too long.
May your heartaches be forgotten.
May no tears be spilled.
May old acquaintance be remembered.
And your cup of kindness filled.
And may you always be a dreamer.
May your wildest dream come true.
May you find someone to love
As much as I love you.”
– May you always by the McGuire Sisters
I hope you 2020 is filled with all that you could possibly dream of!
Have you written a letter to someone or something recently?