I feel weird, friends. Part of it is exhaustion from lack of sleep (like every college student ever) and part of it is that I have mixed emotions writing this post. I want to share with you my life. Especially since it’s my last semester, but there’s so much in the air and so much shrouded from mystery, even from myself, that I’m not sure how helpful or enjoyable this blog post will be. But here’s a reminder: you don’t need to create something for a purpose. Sometimes the purpose is the act of creation itself.
February 14, 2022
If you read my post before last, the Modern Love one, you’d understand some thoughts I had on V-Day this year. It was a remarkably boring day for me, though. I started off my morning with a walk and talk to a coffee shop with my friend Chloe. We talked a lot about Catholicism and future plans and spiritual retreats. It was good to talk to her. She received advice from a spiritual director who said that the spiritual life isn’t about your emotional state, but whether or not you are pursuing God. Which I needed to hear.
Before my nonfiction writing class (which I LOVE—brb, lemme go get a MFA), I just had pondered this quote pictured below.
And I don’t know how I feel about it.
I wrote about love in our free write because what else do you write about on Valentine’s Day? Some lines to ponder (hope my future self doesn’t hate me for this) I’m trying to move beyond this idol I’ve been envisioning. I want (or rather need to want) reality more. I want enough to sustain this moment. To feel contentment instead of envy. But I’m supposed to feel this. Even if it means I feel like a mess.
Also, I took a walk with my friend Grace.
When I got home, I really thought Murphy’s Law met me and conquered me. My laptop was busted on the side when I hit it on the study center’s kitchen island. I broke my boot sole when taking it off. And then I ripped an accessory off my jacket. Three of these things around the same time. That can’t be a coincidence. It definitely wasn’t, but I’m not sure what it was.
Related Post: Weekly Reflection Guide
February 15, 2022
I went to work and cooked a ton. Lunch was Zuppa Toscana Soup. It was delicious! Dinner was a broccoli chicken casserole. I had an interview for an opportunity before I left my apartment early in the morning.
I also saw the email to pick up my cap and gown and it sent me into a spiral. Will I get my thesis done? How am I going to pass my classes? How is graduation so soon?! In other news, I bought my ticket home for the weekend.
I saw my old boss come in for work randomly. And it was the sweetest thing. I loved seeing her!
Random question: can someone explain what the difference between singleness and a dating fast is? My friend Cata brought this idea up to me, and my legit reaction was like my life is a dating fast. Of course, I said that as my crush walks in *facepalm*
February 16, 2022
A stunning sunrise.
Not much happened on Wednesday. One of my classes got canceled, but that just turned into me going to my professor for an existential sunshine walk. We talked about my thesis project and another classmate had a lot of questions and her own project in mind.
I made a firm decision about what programs to apply to. Did a pro-con list and ended up deciding on location and what I was feeling most excited about.
And there was an amazing moment when I ate banana bread. It was incredible. Highly recommend!
Related Post: A reflection guide for your weekend
February 17, 2022
I finally submitted some applications I had been meaning to do since January (but had been planning on since last semester)! This was exhilariffying (this isn’t a word, but my boss’s boss’s boss Bill came up with this world for exciting and terrifying, which is what thinking about the future is like). Funny enough, I got out of class and had received an email that I got into one of the programs I had applied to! It was exciting, but now I have 2 weeks to make a decisions *nervously laughs*
Other vibes: I stepped out of my apartment and felt the best weather I had felt for a long time. It was great. I had lunch outside. I ended up stumbling on a few acquaintances Natalie and Olivia on the Lawn. I even had dinner outside. Karen invited me to enjoy dinner with some of her friends and it was wonderful.
February 18, 2022
I got my official offer letter for the program. I talked to my vocational mentor. And listening to her was incredible. Like seriously—she made me want to go fast and pray. I think I just realized this month has been wild because I marked it in my journal as a month to focus on clarity on my vocation.
Friday night—I saw some live music, prose, poetry and it was so dang good.
- Received my official offer letter
- Talked to my vocational mentor
- It’s wild because this month has been marked in my journal as a month to focus on vocation and I feel like so much conversation around that has happened for me
Related Post: When the haywire becomes special
February 19, 2020
I went to a prayer retreat and took a ton of notes.
Here’s a few nuggets of wisdom from a nun:
- In the desert, we have no control
- Prayer is warfare to the last breath
- In the dark night of the soul, God is purifying you at a deeper level
- Fill your heart with praise and thanksgiving
- Ways to pray: daily examen, lectio divina, the psalms
Also talked to my parents about future plans and that didn’t go super well. I was frustrated but I am willing to let go of my own plans for my future because I believe my future is not in my hands, it’s in God’s.
February 20, 2022
The level of super exhaustion I reached on Sunday is wild. I slept in a little bit, but when Cate invited me to work at Panera, I took her up on it. I actually got a decent amount done and loved how it’s not a coffee shop, yet still has the culture where people can come and get word done.
I also went to church. I had been feeling conflicted about the church specifically, but I just needed to get back in the atmosphere versus just watching the service online.
Lessons learned: He is desperate for you. Graduation looming is stressful. It sucks when news you’re excited about isn’t well received. Sometimes you just need to eat banana bread.
And that was last week.
Let me know how yours was!