Who am I? It’s such a loaded question – it’s so unfair to be asked. I know that I am more than the sum of certain characteristics – brown eyes, bookworm, there’s just more to me than these ideas in a composite form. But I don’t know who I am. I know sometimes what I like, what I don’t but that can change. Because I question if I actually like something or if I was told to like it or that I should. But I feel like the question is irrelevant. Who cares about who am I? Who do I want to to be? Even that’s hard.
We aspire to these goals – to be this, to have that. Maybe I want to be a writer living in Paris, practicing my French while concocting a world all my own. Maybe I want to design in color – in bright color – my walls. I want to drive around and stare outside windows and think. And I know you’re thinking that’s impractical and my writing’s so “deep” that it’s artificial, but what does that say about me – that I can think in a way that I reflect on the way that I’d think you’d feel while reading this.
What I’m trying to say is that it’s more complex than we make it to be. We say “Be yourself” as if who you are doesn’t change with every interaction and every motion we make. Is our selves the parts of us that stay the same? Because if so, our bodies change, our thoughts change, our houses and friends and lives change. What is left for us to call our “selves” ? I’m just thinking on a screen about the way I have to come to a concrete story or image to tell people, but it’s false – it’s not true if I don’t have a consistent answer.
Honestly, I’d just like to know what I should do with my life and people always ask “who are you? What do you like?” And I have no concrete answer – because of change. I’m just afraid to choose something now and in two years, having examined myself enough, realize I hate who I’m becoming. It all stems from decision fatigue. I freeze in the space between a question and an answer. The novelty is that there isn’t a correct answer – but I freeze anyway because I’m sure there is a wrong one. There’s a path I can down that’s 100% not right for me. I don’t want to risk it. But ultimately playing it safe isn’t a good option either. Doing something I’m good at just to do something isn’t a good way to decide a career.
Notes to self:
What I have to remind myself is three things.
1) Everything works out – it always has and always will. I have gotten through 100% of my worst days, worst moments, and I’m still breathin’.
2) The big decisions are only seem that way. Honestly, we build up so much of these questions to the point where we’re so overwhelmed to want to do anything anymore. Just follow the next right thing – Emily P. Freeman. Move closer to what you want. Maybe you have no idea. Make a list of all the crazy and normal things you think you want to try and start making plans to try them out. Job shadow someone. Email people. Take a course. Ask a friend. Go try. Take one step forward even if you have no clue where you want to be.
3) The path unfolds as you move. Not as you freeze. In your overwhelming moments, you will be tempted to stay quiet, to retreat and wait for the storm to pass. In order to find your way to the shore, you’ve got to move, you’ve got to ask for help. Who we are isn’t concrete so the answer isn’t simple. Why do we want to explain ourselves so badly? We will never grasp the complexity of ourselves, so why do we expect others to do so either? Accept that there is no clarity. Not one that last for long. Grieve for the peace you wish you had, but trust that the path you walk will lead you where you’re meant to be. Choose love over fear.
Signing off, Gigi
Who am I?
Who do I want to be ?
Do the next right thing!