Beginning at the end

What does it mean to start at the end?

“If there’s a future, we want it NOW!” – Now by Paramore

It’s December and I made it my New Year’s resolution in 2018 to make a blog and be consistent with it for the year. As I said before, it’s December. However, before you start judging me, I happen to believe that it’s never too late to start. I have been at college for 15 weeks, and it’s been a whirlwind. Honestly, it’s been so insane and I’m enjoying winter break, relaxing and recovering.

You may be asking yourself why you are reading a blog of someone who has planned to do this all year and has started at the end. So, this is it, the beginning of the end. I truly believe some desires do not have timetables. Of course, I wanted to do it, but I’ve had to create space to make this happen. And I’ve finally done it. After all, if I want this, I’ve got to start now. This blog is mostly for me. It’s a goal that I’ve aspired to for a while. It’s meaningful to me. If it’s meaningful to you, that’s a plus.

As a first year college people, you are introduced to all kinds of people. You know those people who have decided what they want to do with their lives at age 6? They make the rest of us who have no one interest or one skill seem like our lives are not together. My life isn’t together by any means, but at least I can pretend it is. I mention those lucky people because I am struggling to pick a major in college. It’s a complex issue, this idea that we have to have our lives planned out.

My parents and family members ask “What are you studying?” or “What’s your major?,” eager to approve or discredit our design for our lives as if their opinion is the one that matters most. It’s just that this is a big decision to make for the direction of my life. And I don’t want to make a mistake. I’m like Chidi in The Good Place.

Chidi from the Good Place talking about indecision

I know that I want a job at the end of college. That’s a necessity, but I don’t want to end up hating my job because I didn’t chase what I really wanted. No one wants that. The thing about high school is that you’ve always had to be good at everything and you never focused on the fact that you’d have to choose one thing and commit to it. That scares me. When I was good at everything, I liked everything. Now that I’m struggling, it’s difficult to figure out what I’m good at, what I like, or what was never and will never be for me.

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There’s this quote by Marina Keegan and it’s about how she’s bothered by the fact that people choose to professions because it feels like we don’t know what to do. I don’t want to just pick something to pick something. If that’s my reason for choosing a field, I can’t say I’ll do any good. It’s stressful to think about this. To think about the fact that I’ve got to decide where I want to be and what I want to do as if I know enough to make my mind up.

Decisions. It’s ironic that I’m in this place. I got into UVA writing about indecision and fear in my supplements. It’s just funny how life works out sometimes.  Honestly, I’ve been listening to a good podcast lately, The Next Right Thing with Emily P. Freeman, and her advice is to make decisions out of love, not fear. And that’s why I’m here, writing to you. That’s why for course enrollment, I’ve decided, somehow, that I’d explore next semester. My business classes aren’t really doing it for me right now, so I’m just doing to try different things and see what feels right.

Doing anything out of fear is the wrong action because the motive is wrong (The Good Place!). It’s a heck of lot more scary to move toward love, but at least I won’t regret it. I won’t regret trying to chase my dream, this idea that I can serve the world doing something I love, even when it’s not all that clear to me.

In order to do anything, we have to start. So here I am, starting my journey into the unknown.

Signing off, Gigi

What new journeys are you starting?

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