Hey friends, sorry for being MIA last week. I’ve been traveling and hosting people at home, so things were a bit busy. Things have now died down, and here I am back with my thoughts.
I figured I’d ramble today because I was unsure whether or not I should tell you about my travels or my hosting. But nevermind that. Let’s just chat!
I’ve been feeling all over the place. Yes, it’s the travel, but it’s also talking with friends and being with family, and all the things. I guess I feel stuck. I don’t have an explanation for this season of life, though I’ve had friends give me language to use, like sacred pause from Mari Andrew. I feel really stuck. Hence why this blog post was delayed and for the sense of languishing you’re experiencing through the screen.
I don’t deny that sometimes life doesn’t go according to plan. But man, none of the plans I ever had would’ve had me here. Even the worst of plans.
I understand that life doesn’t just happen. That it takes years of small moments for things to work together into something beautiful. Maybe I’m just not surrounded by people who are languishing, and therefore, my lack of explanation feels out of place. It feels like the lives my friends are living are moving on without me. And the truth is I’ve tried. I’ve tried to get out of whatever it is. But that just ended in tons of rejections and exhaustion and failure and I honestly couldn’t endure that anymore if I tried. I think my heart would literally break.
This winter hasn’t been all bad. I’ve been reading tons and slowly getting into the rhythm of my new night routine, and praying more with the Daily Office, and trying to move forward in the ways I can. This winter hasn’t been freezing cold, except for Christmas Eve and that time it was snowing in Brooklyn Heights.
My word for the year is hidden, and I’d like to reject it. Except I can’t. It’s the only way I can explain what’s happening to me. Other people might have different explanations. Timing. Wrong Industry. Hiring practices.
I’m trying not to beat myself up too much.
The worst days are the worst days, but then there are days like this, where you are wondering if anything at all is actually happening, and if this is really your life. I don’t blame myself for languishing, it’s a sort of grieving, I suppose. Life wasn’t supposed to be this way. Now it is. So what do I do?
Friends are comforting, but the night is long in its languishing but the shadows are many.
In a long string of days staying the same, it’s easy to be hopeless. I can’t blame myself for falling into despair. It’s what it means to be human. To fall and rise with the woes and joys of life. I think I am hidden whether I like it or not. I ask why a lot these days. Not how do I get out. But why? Because why is always the more interesting question. Maybe I’d like to believe there’s a purpose behind this. Perhaps I’ll step into a busy season and I’ll understand the reason for rest. Or the next opportunity wasn’t quite ready for me yet. Or I need to relinquish something. Or someone needs to relinquish me.
I do not pretend to know the why. I only know the what.
I don’t know when things will change. But here’s to hoping that they do.
If you’re feeling down like myself, here’s some suggestions:
Just feel it. Don’t fight it or try to think through it. Feel it all. The anger. The hurt. The envy. The more you repress it, the more it’ll hurt when it comes out. Because all things come out eventually.
Read. Or knit. Or take a walk. Just do something that you love. I particularly love crawling into my bed, lighting a candle, and reading. Last night, I read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. A compelling vision of what it would look like to be between heaven and hell.
Make something. A cup of tea. A cake. Folding laundry. Put your energy into something you can control rather than something you can’t.
Remember. You are truly loved by God. Above all things, that is what is most true. Even when you feel like He’s dropped the ball. Or if you feel like He’s forgotten you. His thoughts of you outnumber the grains of sand on the earth. Nothing matters as much as knowing you are His Beloved.
I’m going to make an iced matcha and then read a book. Take care of yourself, friends. Don’t forget, most of all, to take care of your heart.