the murky waters of living 💧

This morning I listened to a podcast on discerning God’s movements in this season of your life. 

God has been awful quiet this September. Or have I just not been listening?

At the beginning of this year I got a new journal and I’ve been using it to record words I’ve received from God. Depending on your tradition, this is either unbiblical or not leaning on the Spirit. But I find I do my best when I write everything down, see it clear on paper, no chance the words will fade away. It’s a practice that helps me look forward to the ending of every month.

If you asked me what season God has me in, I wouldn’t know how to answer.

I feel like I’m in quicksand, sinking but with no clear way out. I’m not sure what the right next step is for my career, or if I will move next year. All I know for certain is that I’m looking forward to change. And I’m apprehensive of it being the wrong kind of change–more grief, heartache, or disappointment. 

Related Post: Faith isn’t easy.

This year I’ve finally had words to name a feeling I’ve had for so long: it’s the longing for Eden. Longing for perfection, for peace, for gentle, quiet waters for my soul. The world can be so stressful and the news is a speakerphone of all that’s gone wrong: violence on every corner of the planet, slowly creeping ‘til it’s on our front doors. I know that in generations before it was tough and people survived, but things feel so dark.

We live in a country divided with no clear way back to unity. It’s the hardest job market in a really, really long time and AI hasn’t made things any easier. If I dwell too long on all that’s wrong, I’ll just end up so disillusioned. And I think a few years back I was. Disillusionment and hopelessness are not unfamiliar to me. I notice the temptation to let them come in and sit down for a cup of tea.

I’m not one for evangelizing (though I understand the Great Commission), but I think everyone has to come to God in their own way. Some find Him in youth and others at the end of themselves. God comes dressed as a friend or a persistent thought that won’t go away. God is a longing never quite sated, always waiting for the fulfillment of the promise.

Related Post: memories I want to keep from this week 🥀

It’s hard to see what’s ahead in my own life and in the life of our country. I’m tempted to make a cocoon for myself but I know it wouldn’t last. Most days I pick up a book and I’m transported elsewhere and that helps. God is often poking out things right outside our peripheral view–things that make no sense to us. I find my idols are comfort and understanding and that makes the fog of the future most unsettling. 

The hardest thing is trust. Trust that if God allows the worst thing that He won’t leave me and it will make me more like Him. And to be thankful if the worst never arrives. Life is messy indeed. It doesn’t often seem like there’s a purpose and a plan to all the chaos. And yet one day every tear will cease. (Even now, He collects them to reminds us He’s not forgotten.)

I’ve been reading on and off the diary of St. Faustina. Most saints are weird and a little crazy, but St. Faustina (so far) seems normal. She’s praying and trying to obey. She seems to have a sensitivity to Holy Spirit–she knows when she’s done something He isn’t pleased with and tries to correct her mistakes. It seems to me most saints die really young (except Hildegard von Bingen). St. Faustina died in her 30’s. She’s the patron saint of mercy, particularly in trusting in God’s compassionate love. There’s something to learn from her, so I’ve been reading the diary.

Related Post: 12 thoughts: from sermons to spring vol. 2

The worst is when people around me ask me what I will do or insist I should do something I’m not called to. There’s wisdom in not rushing in, I think, particularly rushing in to gain more loans and perhaps more headaches. 

Your twenties are truly disorienting, and it’s hard to find friends that relate in exactly the same way. A few weeks ago, I had a chat with some j-school graduates, and they’re all in the same boat, job hunting with 5 year plan ahead of them, and that was nice. It’s good to not feel alone.

God is a solace but He often brings with Him questions too. The road of faith is not just paved with joy but with suffering too. Jesus Himself suffered on the cross and we too are called to carry our own. (Another difficulty to evangelizing) Though I have to say, I have no idea if I would’ve survived journalism school without my faith. Prayer literally held me up when I was weary or just feeling so low.

God will not give you the answers you want, but He’ll lead you to the answers you need. If you’re willing to endure the quiet, to pray like the persistent widow, if you’re willing to change your prayer as needed. 

Forgive me for meandering, friends. Let this be a reminder to forgive generously, to pray as often as you can, and to keep hoping inspite of the way of the world.

Signing off,

Gigi