striving for peace

I haven’t posted on here lately for a loss of words. I find myself unable to conjure up the words or the words I do conjure up are inadequate.

I got to see a friend a few weeks ago in Philly, which was nice but most friends are quiet and that’s just the way things are right now. March has been a fuzzy month for me, making progress on some future goals, but I’m also just waiting.

I’ve watched a lot of TV. I enjoyed the finale to When Calls the Heart and stayed absurdly clued to my computer as the Bachelorette drama unfolded. I’ve been on a period drama kick. I’ve watched both the Howards End and the Buccaneers mini series. A strangely Edith Wharton run. Plus the Atonement movie with Saoirse Ronan (so sad, don’t watch). I finally finished reading my St. Catherine of Siena biography – it took months for me to finish. I got to see Oh Mary! On Broadway. A very full, fuzzy month.

…

I feel very anxious at the state of the world. I’m not sure if that’s silly to feel, if the wars we see unfolding will pass, if this AI bubble will slowly shrink, if there won’t actually be a massive disruption to the world of work. I don’t know. The uncertainty is so consuming. Over the last 60+ years (a terrible approximation, I apologize), we as a society have watched the stable institutions we had crumble. More and more it’s as if we live on sinking sand, as if one wrong move and we’re toast. 

That feeling, I suppose, is why I find myself often paralyzed. 

As the uncertainty will not abate and new terrors creep up, I suppose I will have to be okay with making the wrong choice in my career. I feel both absurdly blessed and morbidly fearful. I can afford to make the wrong choice, if that’s what it is, and I know that this circumstance that is so generous will not last forever. I guess I’m aware of how precarious life is. And it makes you wonder how anyone does anything at all. Have kids? Move abroad? Take all their savings and start a business? 

I just started watching Andrew Davies’ Sense and Sensibility for some peace. Though I am quite tempted to rewatch the 2005 Pride and Prejudice. I deleted social media from my phone. I’ve baked some banana bread. I plan on taking a week off caffeine. 

Are things worse than they’ve been in a while or is that just ignorance?

Or maybe it’s not anxiety I’m feeling, it’s pressure. The pressure to have already arrived at a place that seems like it no longer exists. Stable employment for a couple of decades.

…

I’ve been at my job for a year now, and I’m trying to think about what’s next. It’s hard because in some ways I do really feel like I’ll never find something that I enjoy, that’ll actually make me enough money to live on. I have a lot of fear, and for so long, it feels like my life won’t ever really begin until my career begins. That’s the wrong way to view it, I know, but that’s how it all feels.

I’m slightly excited for April. I have travel plans in the works and other fun things in the calendar. And with the weather getting warmer, that means more days outside in the sun. 

I’ve begun my week off of caffeine and it’s making me long for sugar. But I’m refusing to give myself the temptation of a “sweet treat” or “rewarding” myself as my bank account needs a break. I started reading Canticle by Janet Rich Edwards, which is a stunning portrayal of what it looks like to seek God and to be sought by God. I suppose I switched from science fiction to historical fiction. Give me the monks and the scribes in ages past. I’m eager for something that’ll last, something that’ll outlast the chaos of our age. This blog post is rambly at best, but I promise to return with something more structured soon.

Happy Holy Week, dear friends!

Signing off,

Gigi