It’s been a hot minute since I’ve really sat down to write down something substantial. I’ve looked at my to do list and I honestly either can’t do things right now or have just finished them. So, here I am. Typing away, like I did this past summer. It’s filling me with joy to have this outlet again. Also, I’m listening to Infra 5 by Max Richter, and it’s one of my favorite songs by a composer. (Listen to Survivor by Helen Jane Long).
Anyway, I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Partly because I’ve been needing this outlet and partly because writing is the way to really figure out what’s going on. It’s currently midterm season, as in ~midterm szn :/~, and I am feeling stressed but also, what’s the point? I’m currently at a place where I know that the stress doesn’t last forever, but I’m also getting lost in the pointlessness of everything. We’re all going to die eventually, and this won’t even matter in 5 years.
Even so, I’m stuck in the rat race of going to class, doing homework, seeing friends, eating, sleeping, and doing it all over again. I’m not making time for anything that I love. No long walks, no cups of tea that I sip instead of gulping down, no reading, no writing. (I still journal.)
When you get lost in the rat race, it’s hard to tell you’re in it. It’s only in this break, that I can see that I am not really sure what I’m moving toward. Not in a “I’m having an existential crisis about what I’m going to do after college,” but in a subtler way. I don’t feel rested, I’m not having a deep conversations with friends. I feel stagnant and don’t know why.
This post kind of feels pointless, but I’m doing it anyway. I’ve had a lot of mind and heart lately. Friends, I guess even in the midst of school, I am learning how to understand grief. Recently, I tried to connect with an old friend and she didn’t respond. I could tell she intentionally left me on seen, ghosted me. It made me feel less than, like our friendship was just air that had finally left the room.
The thing is there are these moments that feel unspecial, unremarkable. They are when you’re laughing in class at something dumb. They are when you’re walking along your street to go home. They are when you are complaining about piles of homework and how you wish life would hurry up.
And yet, looking back, we can’t go back. We can’t return to those things, to those people, to our past selves. I guess I’m not just mourning a friendship. I’m mourning the high school version of myself. The one who had dreams she didn’t quite believe in. The one who felt that the world around her was suffocating her. The one who could read and drink tea for days. And I’m mourning the person who I shared those memories with. The person who was beside me in my best and my worst moments.
I’m a new person now. And I like who I am. But I’ve got to come to terms with the fact that I will never be her again. Maybe my “friend” outgrew me, outgrew our friendship. I just think the fact that she didn’t even try to respond says a lot about her thoughts, about the different ways we saw our friendship. Sometimes it’s best to let some things die. I hate that things end. Unexpectedly, and without warning, the things we believe that will be forever are the things that we bury as we move on the next chapter of our lives.
This post is kind of a mourning of a friendship and it’s a reminder. We will outgrow people. We will outgrow places. We will outgrow relationships. When things around us stay the same, but we change, we are no longer able to carry that thing anymore. It feels heavier. And grief is the act of letting that thing go so that we can move lightly along the next part of the journey. And it totally sucks.
Grief is a part of growing up. You will never be a kid again. You have to mourn the days you spent letting life passing you by without grabbing a hold of it. You have to mourn your teenage years. I’m 19 now, and it kind of blows my mind, because in some ways, I’m still my 16-year-old self, trying to figure out the world and what I believe. In other ways, I’m an old soul, trying to find stillness for my soul in a world full of noise.
In a lot of ways this summer was full of disappointments, and they all slowly broke my heart – I lost luggage with all my favorite clothing and special jewelry, I almost saw my favorite band in NYC (but didn’t), one of my cats died, and now this loss of a friend who I cherished so much. I don’t want put too much stock in people. I want to hide myself away, to keep myself from getting close to anyone or anything to avoid getting hurt.
These aren’t physical wounds, but the hurt is real. I know God is good, but sometimes, in the midst of everything, I wonder if he is moving. Here, now. All I feel is the ache in my soul, of the way loss colors everything, taints everything to make the world seem just a tad bit darker.
I don’t have much of a solution when it comes to walking through grief. But I hope you won’t walk through it alone. Sometimes people in our real lives hurt us in ways that can’t be completely fixed. However, there are some awesome people on the internet who care. If you’re reading this and you feel alone, if you’re reading this and you are grieving, reach out. Comment down below. Email me. Dm on Twitter. Let me walk with you. I can’t promise you any of this will hurt any less. It probably won’t. However, I do promise you that you aren’t alone in this.
Despite the chaos of this spinning globe, you are never far from someone who cares for you.
Hey friend, reach out! Let’s make the grief not so heavy.