My thoughts are all over the place. I was supposed to get my DC work trip post up but that didn’t happen. Alas, we are here and I am going to share my meandering mind with you, gentle reader. Hope your mornings are bright and your flowers are blooming!
001. Change
I’ve been desperating longing for change lately but I have no idea what that looks like yet. I have a million pans in the fire and I’m not yet sure what the outcome will be. But I’ve been getting sweet Godwinks and that helps. Ideally, I’d be moving to Vancouver and starting seminary, but that’s a dream for another time. (Yes, I do want to live abroad and I do want to attend seminary, particularly once my student loans are paid.)
002. Springtime
The world is bright and green and it’s actually easier to wake up at 6 in the morning because the morning light lures you out of bed. And as a creature sensitive to light, this time of year is when I feel my motivation and desire returning. I feel alive again and it’s a wonder-filled feeling.
003. Pride
Pride comes out in me, and I think one thing I’d tell my 21 year old self is that life is going to humble you, continually. It hurts but ultimately, it’s better to be humbled than to become a person full of pride unable to be graceful or extend grace to others.
Related Post: 12 thoughts: from sermons to spring vol. 2
004. This season of life
I am oscillating between this season of life is hard with all its uncertainty and I really am tired of waiting for the thing—the job, the move, the opportunity—that will make any of this easier, and I am grateful because I know how much worse it all could be. Life is so precarious, which may be the lesson I’m learning this year, and there’s both bad and good here.
005. Friendship
Friendship is harder now. Maybe it’s because it feels similar to 2022 when I felt all my friends went radio silent for a time. And I do have a dear friend who has gone completely off the grid, despite my many texts and calls. I have many relationships that aren’t grounded in the physical and that makes it difficult to feel tethered to one another. Don’t know if this is a sign to go and be more intentional about making new friends.
006. Wild at Heart podcast series
I’ve been surprisingly enjoying the Wild at Heart podcast men series. As a woman, I didn’t think I’d relate but honestly, I relate to the men a lot. I honestly feel like they’re doing better than I am, pursuing the Lord and their careers and community. If you have any young men in your life, tune into the series. It’s worth the watch.
Related Post: striving for peace
007. Dreaming
A year ago, I had a really piercing dream and I took it to a dear friend and the lovely wise Sister Hannah. Then I prayed on it and let it go. Come December, I received a confirmation of the dream. Completely forgetting all this, I looked and saw that I put the anniversary of the dream in my calendar. Funny how life goes sometimes. Still not quite sure what to make of the dream. Should probably pray on it.
008. An old song
I love emo music, and an old (no longer making new music) band came to mind recently. Let It Go by Crystalyne. Can’t tell if this is a song where I should follow my dreams or let go of my problems. 🙂
009. A reread
I re-read Jacob Have I Loved months after I had an impression to reread it. I was resistant because I honestly related too hard to the plot. It’s a bitter pill in a lot of ways, but I read most of it on my commute home. This book is a glimpse into the wrestle of God why haven’t You blessed me like that? It’s envy mingled with grief, and thus hard to tackle. The envy is wrong but the grief is so tender. There’s a fear of creating new wounds. I don’t have much answers but it’s worth the read if you’ve ever felt overlooked and unseen by those around you.
010. Journaling
I started a new journal, and it was bittersweet seeing the hope I had at the beginning of my old journal. The older I get, the more I understand the Israelites grumbling in the desert or Sarah doubting the promise. Waiting can lead to a calloused heart and a calloused heart will settle for anything just to have something.
Related Post: the murky waters of living 💧
011. Calling vs. Assignment
I read this Substack post that said calling is not your assignment, and that was so needed. I think I was mixing up the two. Still have no clue what my calling is, but my assignment is to go to work everyday and do a good job and treat people well. That makes it easier to breathe. Less of carrying around this anxiety about what I should do and just doing what’s in front of me.
012. Praying
I still pray the same prayers I prayed four years ago. There’s definitely some frustration there and wondering if I should keep going. But desire doesn’t die because you try to snuff it out. I’m not sure why some journeys take longer to get to the destination.
Though the horrors persist, so do we.
Signing off,
Gigi
Studying Life with Gigi 