As of late, I’ve had three separate dreams where my teeth were falling out of my mouth. So I did what anyone would do. I Googled. Losing teeth usually means a variety of things: a big life change has occurred or will occur, you have lost something of monumental value, or you are having a ton of anxiety about the dentist. Considering in 2022, I graduated college only to enter into unemployment, it makes sense that I’m having these dreams.
My break is over. It was much needed.
I needed time to rest and to apply to jobs and leave social media behind for a little while. My brain needed to rewire itself separate from dopamine hits and a fixed schedule of writing. But I love this space, and so returning here was absolutely something I have been looking forward to. I’m not a huge analytics fan, but in August, I got the most views I have ever since being self-hosted. If you’re thinking of taking a break, I highly recommend it. There’s nothing to fear.
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I’ve gotten used to life at home. I have a consistent routine for my mornings (still working on my evenings). Post-grad is the weirdest season of my life yet. There’s no playbook to follow. I have to make up the rules as I go along. Job hunting has not yet been fruitful, not for lack of trying.
I did work on a little audio project in August, that I’m sure I’ll find a way to put on the blog called AUGUST DIARIES. I got my learner’s permit and have been learning to drive. I’m still here, so it’s going well. I’ve been reading a bit and exercising regularly, and though I need to up my water game, I feel pretty good. August was kind to me.
I’m not sure how to resolve dreams, especially when they involve something as gory and frightening as your teeth falling out of your mouth. Luckily for me, I’m never given a glimpse of my mouth post-teeth-loss, but I doubt it can compete with the feeling of watching all your teeth fall out. Post-grad is weird because there isn’t necessarily a specific structure or a way to process this loss that has just occurred. It’s also hard to even recognize what was lost until you spend time living without it. These dreams are like my body processing the loss before my mind does. Is anyone else having these dreams, and if so, what are you doing about them? (Besides writing them down, of course)
I believe that the death of something fully creates space for new life to birth forth.
So, if I’m losing teeth, what the heck am I gaining?
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Despite being a summer girlie and an August baby, I have to say for the first time in a long time, I’m welcoming fall in. Global warming is just a tad too hot for me in NYC and I am ready for some change. Even if that change is just the leaves turning red outside my window. On one hand, I wish I had a job at this point, and on the other hand, I am firmly in the camp of it’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen and not a minute before. I think the endless summer has gotten to me. While I’ve had a few interviews, nothing has really come of them and my rejection pile is growing higher.
The change in the world is amplifying the lack of change in my life.
It’s easy to get weary here, to believe that how things are right now is how they’ll always be. But that’s not true. Even though it feels true. I am still learning what it means to know the truth but not feel that it’s true. Who knows where I’ll be come September 2023? That’s the fun (and the horror) of post-grad. Your life has no pattern to you and it’s up to you to decide (within your circumstances).
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I’m ready for hot tea. To actually see the sunrise instead of sleeping through it. I’m ready for sweaters and long skirts.
This time last year, I was at school in Virginia for my last fall semester of college ever. Now I’m in New York City learning to drive and applying to jobs. If that isn’t the definition of change, I don’t know what is. I guess I’m trying to say I want to remain hopeful for what’s to come, though there’s nothing on my radar yet. After all, I went to Israel and Canada this summer, and those weren’t even completely on my radar at the beginning of the year. You never know what good is around the corner.
Contentment is hard when you’re longing for something, your hands open in expectation. But it’s as easy as being thankful for the breath in your lungs, for the body that you have (even when it doesn’t work the way you want to), for the delicious cup of tea (or coffee) that starts your morning. Shifting our eyes off of our circumstances and onto what’s right in front of us removes this weight of needing to figure out or understand what’s next.
For me, this looks like being thankful for the library so I get to spend time reading, and thankful for my own space to be alone, and thankful for my kettle for brewing me tea (truly the best gift I’ve ever been given–so useful!). This goes along with leaving behind comparison. I can’t do anything about what he or she has. But I can work with what I am, and choose to appreciate it instead of living my life in envy of someone else.
In appreciation of fall, I made a little playlist.
To be honest, I’m not sure what this blog will turn into. Probably still me sharing my life lessons (you’ll love next week’s blog post!) and detailing my adventures whenever they happen, but aside from that, I can’t promise you much. I can’t promise you that I’ll have a fancy job to share about or that I’m going to grad school. The future is all up in the air, and that’s what this whole year is about anyway. It’s about learning to live in uncertainty. Not to live in anxiety about what I don’t know, but to rest assured that I’m covered even if I have no idea what lies ahead.
I can promise you this: I will gladly take you along wherever I go next.
Thanks for being my friend!